Good advice for bad leadership

Some of you might know Kurt Tucholsky (1890-1935). He was a writer and one of the most influential journalists of the Weimarer Republic. In 1931 Tucholsky wrote a short essay entitled "Ratschläge an Einen Schlechten Redner (Advice for a Bad Speaker)." This inspired me to write:

 

Advice for a bad science manager

 

You are head of a large research group, e.g., a research institute director. This is not an easy job, and it is vital to follow some rules. Rule number one: don't trust your subordinates. Trust can always be abused. Be aware that there are always individuals who want to question your authority and disempower you. If you trust these individuals, you are lost. Hence, it is of great importance to identify these traitorous individuals. Pick out the 10 percent of your subordinates who are creative, who love their work, and who are successful. Usually, the dangerous ones can be found in this group. Restrict their power and influence, dim their light. Let nobody's light shine brighter than yours. If a researcher is wildly successful, makes a remarkable discovery, or plans a milestone publication, show that nothing is possible without your guidance and permission, even if your contribution to the topic is zero.  If the person is reasonable, she or he will agree. If not, take the research topic in question away from her and claim it for you. Assign her a dull, outdated project. Tell her that from now on she can only work with materials older than 20 years. This may sound not very sympathetic, but by doing this, you demonstrate your leadership qualities, and your superior will acknowledge this. Another critical piece of advice:  Don't make a mistake selecting a deputy from the group of your top-performers. This person will show that she is better than you in most cases.  If possible, live without a deputy, but select a person with low ambitions if you need one. He or she will always be grateful and obedient.

 

If there is trouble at your institution and individuals start to argue, you can apply other powerful methods. First, you have to know who is friend and who is foe. You have your informers, but this might not be sufficient. Hire a trained psychologist as a "mediator." Announce that she will talk to everybody privately and resolve all potential problems.  She will assure that person-to-person interviews are strictly confidential, and one should be very open. Let us name you Prof. A and the psychologist Dr. B. After gaining trust and sympathy, Dr. B will ask questions like "it seems that Prof. A is not really up to the task leading this institute, don't you think?" or "I have the feeling Prof. A is mistreating you, isn't this true?" and so forth. Of course, nothing is confidential; in the end, you are paying the bill for the psychologist. In Germany, we say, "Wer zahlt, spielt die Musik" (he who pays the piper calls the tune). 

 

Consequently, psychologist Dr. B reports to Prof. A. Now you identified the troublemakers, you even might know intimate details, which were entrusted to the unscrupulous psychologist. Now it is time to get rid of problematic individuals. There are many ways to accomplish this; an elegant method is the following. Considering the troublemaker is a popular group leader with some influence. The direct removal from his position might cause unrest. Convince him to retreat voluntarily. Talk to him very friendly (maybe with the help of Dr. B), praise his merits, and offer him a new position unique in your organization. Think about a grandiose title like Senior Chief Scientist or Creative Science Director. Tease him with a travel budget. Evaluate this position after a year, conclude that there is no further need for a Senior Chief Scientist, and tell him that he has now free time to sharpen his pencils. If the person loves his job, he will leave your institution, and you may hire a friend or promote a family member.

 

If you need to fire or demote several people, hire a professional consultant specializing in organization restructuring. Maybe Dr. B can also help here. They will plan a two-day workshop for the whole team preferentially in a nice hotel, food and drinks included. New structures will be discussed in a playful atmosphere, including new group leaders. One motto is "nothing is set in stone."  The consultant knows what you want, and if he is worth the money, he leads the discussion in your favor. Late in the evening, a new structure is on the blackboard, all see this as a game, and everybody is tired after some rounds of drinks and nods his head. Many recognize only days later that things are set in stone. Finally, you will have a group of troublemakers and former group leaders without a function. Create a "bad bank" and put them in a new department with minimal resources and restricted access to the institute's equipment. Sharpening their pencils is always an option for this group. 

 

To follow the rules above is tough. Your hard work will not be honored by many of your team members; they will not love you; they will fear or even despise you. In case you need emotional support, ask Dr. B for help. But you practiced leadership, and keep in mind, "Undank ist der Welten Lohn."

Comments are welcome, auch auf Deutsch!